Dear Eric: I’m a widower in my mid-70s. I have no family or children. I’m a millionaire, I drive a Maserati, I’m sociable, I look 20 years younger (if my friends are honest), and I travel a lot. But I have no friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, bartenders, and waiters who look out for me, but no one I feel close to. I’m a secular humanist, so please don’t encourage me to go to church. Even though I’m socially active, I’m lonely and often lonely. What could be wrong? — Still grieving
To those of you who are still grieving: When I got to the end of your letter and read the names you chose, I felt two things: a lightbulb lit up and a shock of deep, sympathetic pain. I wonder if part of your social isolation has to do with your grief.
Losing a spouse or companion often makes you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. Grief is complicated and makes it hard to re-engage with life in a meaningful way, even if months or years have passed. This isn’t your fault. We know you want to make connections, but the way you interact with the world will be different and will involve a lot of interruptions and restarts.
Ask yourself what it is that you want, and get as specific as possible. What would it be like to have the life you want right now? And what are some small steps you can take to get there? Give yourself time.
You are not alone. Social connection is difficult for many people. I don’t recommend churches, but I do recommend grief support groups, where you may find people who understand what you’re going through on some level and who would be good friends.
Dear Eric: I read your letter in Work, Life, Love, Balance and wanted to add my perspective as a senior (63 years old). When I was this gentleman’s age, I went on two dates using the dating services that were popular in the ’80s, and both were complete failures. I gave up looking.
And then I met this guy at, lo and behold, a Doctor Who party. He was listening to the Moody Blues, and I was listening to them too, so we stopped and talked about it, and we developed a friendship, first through letters. He became my good friend, then my best friend, and later this month we’ll be married for 34 years.
My advice is this: Stop looking and let the relationship find you. Over the years, I’ve found that the strongest and longest-lasting relationships often start out as friends.
To those who are still married: I loved your story and advice! “Doctor Who” and the Moody Blues! What a great combination. Happy 34th anniversary!
Dear Eric: I’m a senior man with no family living in suburban Maryland. With personal ads being a thing of the past and online dating being expensive, I don’t know where or how to meet quality singles and widows. I’m not in the bar-hopping habit and just want some company.
I’m from New York, where my friends live, and I’ve noticed that people don’t even want to get to know other people. Any specific or general advice? – They want to connect.
Dear Connection: As a huge fan of romantic comedies, I wholeheartedly believe in the enduring power of destiny. No matter how many apps, ads, and websites we create to put us in contact with each other, it ultimately comes down to two people being in the right place in their lives at the right time. So put yourself in new places, not necessarily with the intention of finding a mate, but with the desire to find something that brings joy to your life.
Take a class, take up a hobby, volunteer, go on a group trip, etc. Consider joining or getting more involved in an organization that suits your interests, such as the Rotary, a gardening club, a biker gang, etc. The easiest way to get to know someone, whether it’s a romantic or platonic relationship, is by sharing common interests, like in the letter above.
There’s a facility near you called the Bikota Center that offers a full daily program for adults over 60, from ballroom dancing to monthly lectures. See if it’s right for you.
I pose this question to a wider audience: Senior readers, have you found friendship and companionship later in life? I invite you to write your short stories of destiny. In the coming weeks, I will share some of them to inspire letter writers and others looking to connect.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.