I almost dread meeting them because I know they will ask again and talk to me like a child. I would tell them if I need help, but their constant pestering makes me feel ashamed of being low-income and anxious about our next interaction.
Am I exaggerating or are they overdoing it?
Impasse: This is growing pains for everyone involved. Your parents and grandparents are starting to understand, maybe not fast enough, that you are an independent person who can manage your finances. They are also trying to show their care and concern for you. Please be a little lenient while they learn new ways to show affection.
Find a moment when things feel neutral and talk about how they communicate with you about your finances. Say, “I want you to know that I work hard to be in good financial shape. Sometimes when you ask about my finances I feel like I’m being criticized. How about we try talking about money in a different way?”
And suggest new ways of doing things. Want budget advice but don’t want to justify spending? Say so. Want to stop talking about money altogether? Say so. You don’t owe them a full explanation.
Do this when you’re not feeling defensive, so you can speak more clearly. They may say they’re just trying to help, but one of the keys to transitioning a relationship into adulthood is for both parties to find new ways to ask for and accept help. You may not find the perfect balance right away, but don’t be discouraged. Keep asking for what you need.
Dear Eric: I live in a very social neighborhood where there are always fun activities and events going on for guests. We all strive to be good neighbors, hosts, and guests, but I often find myself stepping outside the bounds of what is considered appropriate.
Examples: I’m called to volunteer at a specified time. I show up at the specified time. The tasks are mostly completed by those who came early and I feel like a slacker. I arrive at 6:00 to socialize at a buffet dinner and the meal times are announced. No one lines up for the buffet. I’m hungry so I take the initiative. People line up behind me. My social battery is dead at an informal gathering of people with long morning errands to run. I stand up and say, “Hey guys, I’m heading out.” The others quickly follow suit.
Please know to pause before doing these things in the hope that someone will take the lead. My husband hates offending people and is as ready to do these things as I am, but he says, “Oh, she’s going to leave now…”
I don’t want to make the first move, nor do I want to be that person, but I feel like if I don’t do it, no one else will. Am I being rude, or justified? Am I wrong in thinking that if I do something that moves the social experience forward, it’s exhausting to worry about how other people will judge me?
The Party: In the mid-80s murder mystery film Clue, Mrs. Peacock attends a boring as hell party (which then gets even more boring). Faced with an awkward silence, she says, “Okay, somebody’s got to open up. Maybe it’s me.” And then she launches into a long, hilariously weird monologue. It’s awkward, but it serves its intended purpose of opening up.
Embrace your inner Mrs. Peacock unashamedly. Ideally, everyone in a social setting feels able to say and do what they feel comfortable doing, but often social conventions and shyness conspire under the guise of politeness. That’s where Mrs. Peacock comes into her own.
When you’re ready to go, don’t let other people’s opinions stop you. They’re probably used to you being the one to give permission. That’s why being Mrs. Peacocking is not only a personality trait, it’s a calling.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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