My brother thinks my sister gave him the money (I don’t care at all), but she calls him every month to make sure he pays the $100 a month. We use Cash App to hide that it’s being paid directly to me. It’ll take me another 5 years to pay this off. I can’t stand the monthly ritual and the drama surrounding it.
I don’t want to be my brother’s creditor. It’s really stressful and bothering me because I know he is doing the best he can to survive and support his family. I end up paying this back to him. It’s crazy. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to tell him I don’t want him to pay me back because I did it. I just want to move forward but my sister is adamant that I pay him back. What should I do?
Cash Out: Your sister has no say here. She created this farce to teach her brother a lesson. However, she cannot collect on a debt that she does not owe. Tell your brother directly that the debt has been forgiven. Then tell your sister what you have done.
It’s easy to apply your values to how other people manage their money, so poor financial decisions can become a burden of moral failings. How you spend your money or how your brother manages it is none of your sister’s business. Or, as they used to say where I grew up, your sister doesn’t have a nickel in her pocket.
If you ever decide to lend or give money to your brother again, it’s helpful to have an honest discussion between you and your brother about your expectations. When he gets into money trouble, you may be the path of least resistance for him, but you still have the right to say “no,” “not right now,” or “can we find another solution?”
Dear Eric: Last year, my husband and I received three wedding invitations and one graduation invitation from our relatives’ children. We were unable to attend these events because they were held out of state. We have not heard from these relatives. We know they are sending these invitations with the intent of receiving some kind of gift. We know this is typical and normal.
I don’t have a lot of room in the budget, but I sent each of them a $100 card. So far, I have yet to receive a thank you note or acknowledgement from any of them. They are all under the age of 30. It baffles me how little gratitude the younger generation shows for gifts on special occasions.
This really bothers us, to the point where we really don’t want to send money or gifts on special occasions anymore. How can we control our feelings?
— The Disillusioned Gift Giver
Giver: The issue of thank you cards and expressing gratitude comes up often in the letters I receive. This is especially strange to me because there seems to be an increase in little stores selling greeting cards and chocolates and housewarming gifts. Do people just buy thank you boxes and not send them? So what do they do? Do they make paper mache? It’s not practical.
Etiquette aside, saying “thank you” when someone is kind to you is a basic form of communication that transcends generations.
You have two options: tell the next of kin that their child screwed up, or meet with the children face to face and let them know what your expectations were. It’s okay to say to someone, “When I give you a gift, I expect a thank you. Do you have different expectations?”
If your guests ask you for gifts again in the future, you can make a donation to a charity in their name and let them know about it. This is also a valid option if they ask you “no gift needed.” At the very least, you’ll get a thank you letter from the charity.
(If you have questions, please send them to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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