“Are we going out again?” I asked my husband, Rob, as he was getting ready for his second trip with some guys in three weeks.
“Just a few days.”
I could tell he was elated by his escape. He was off chasing ski trails and I was at home eating “girls nights” alone while taking care of the dog. I hated not having fun adventures anymore. I wasn’t allowing myself to pursue the things I was interested in because I had no idea what to pursue. How did people figure out what to do when the nest was empty?
When I turned 50 in 2018, I was struggling with depression and feeling unwell physically. I was recovering from open-heart surgery, approaching menopause, and losing sight of my purpose. For years, I had set aside my cherished writing goals to prioritise Rob and our blended family, but in quiet moments I felt empty. Though I was incredibly grateful that my spouse’s salary was able to cover our expenses, I felt something was missing in my own personal growth. I tried to fill that emptiness with overeating and shopping, but it only made me feel worse.
“I didn’t allow myself to pursue the things I was interested in because I didn’t know what to pursue. How do people figure out what to do when the nest is empty?”
As my daughter entered high school and began to become independent, and Rob’s children began to move out as well (this was a second marriage for both of us), I wondered what would happen next. Suddenly, the social structures I’d relied on in my 30s and 40s seemed to fade away with middle age. Volunteering at my daughter’s school was a thing of the past, and my mommy friend group had long since dissolved. My daughter didn’t need me as much as she used to, spending half her time at her dad’s. I realized that part of what I was feeling was loneliness.
While it’s well-known that loneliness in older adults increases the risk of heart disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety, and depression, its negative effects aren’t limited to older adults. Last year, the Surgeon General declared loneliness a national epidemic. But research shows that friendships are important for slowing cognitive decline, especially for older generations, and offer many other health benefits.
I didn’t know where to start, because it felt like so many changes were happening all at once, but I knew that marriage wouldn’t automatically cure my loneliness. Rob and I’s relationship began to change as we got older. While Rob was a great guy who worked and played hard, I was struggling to find my footing as a part-time writer. When I was younger, as the breadwinner, it was natural to prioritize him and his needs. But in my late 40s, that became harder to do.
In some ways, I was stunting my own growth in order to make my marriage work. I chose not to take a job that was too demanding or that would take me away from my family. It felt right at the time, but I couldn’t afford it. In counseling, our couples therapist told me, “You need to do something about this inequality. Sometimes you need to separate before you can grow together.”
So I did something: I began my own midlife reboot.
Tara Ellison, volunteer at the California Wildlife Center. Hand-feeding allows keepers to observe baby sea lions and elephant seals without the stress of handling them.
(California Wildlife Center)
Midlife is a crossroads between how you’ve lived your life and how you want to live your life. In recent years, women have begun to reframe menopause as a kind of homecoming. On the bright side, menopause offers a chance to reinvent, to chart a new course. I may have been faced with a changing body, strange hormones, and feelings of loneliness, but I was determined to change it for the better, even if I didn’t know how.
I had to make peace with my body and better understand its needs. Going for walks became essential for my mental health (especially during COVID) as a prescription for more fresh air and sunlight. To feel my best, I paid more attention to my hormones and sought out a gynecologist interested in what happens to women beyond childbearing age. It was harder than I imagined, considering that menopause happens to half the population. Years ago, when I entered perimenopause, there were no resources for women on social media. The stigma attached to perimenopause meant that no one was willing to admit that they were on a downward trend (especially in Los Angeles!). I had to learn to be an advocate for myself and a guinea pig to manage my symptoms. It was a maddening journey, but I learned a lot.
With the goal of meeting other women my age, I began attending solo book signings, workshops, and menopause symposiums, which helped me overcome my social anxiety and forced me to engage in conversation. I enjoyed hearing what other people were up to, and I found that indulging their creative passions was high on their list of priorities. One woman I know rediscovered her love of playing the piano, while another spends her free time painting.
Sometimes it’s not as easy as immersing yourself in an old hobby. “I spent all my time taking care of my family, and now I have time on my hands, and I don’t know what to do with it,” one friend in her 60s confided. Another friend told me that two years before she retired, she started carrying a notebook and adding notes to it whenever she found something that interested her. After she retired, she started working on that list. Through these conversations, I realized that contrary to what society would have you believe, the oldest woman in the room is often the most interesting.
“Contrary to what society would have you believe, the oldest woman in the room is often the most interesting one.”
While creativity was an important part of my recovery, I also wanted to dedicate my time to something bigger. Research confirms that service and volunteerism can be important steps on the path to happiness and satisfaction. After discovering an injured sea lion on a Malibu beach, I met Heather Henderson, Marine Programs Manager at the California Wildlife Center in Calabasas, and began volunteering with their Marine Mammal Rescue Division. The organization rescues and rehabilitates sea lion and elephant seal pups. The pups are brought in emaciated and malnourished, cared for, and treated before being released.
“It’s not a glamorous job, and you might not like it,” one volunteer warned me at the start. He’s right, some of the work is downright disgusting. But sometimes you never know what you’re capable of until you try. There are plenty of cleaning tools, cutting up frozen fish for fish smoothies, and scraping slimy seal poop off nets. It’s now normal to find fish scales buried inside my sports bra. But I’ve found some of the daily chores relaxing, making me feel more present. When faced with the task of hand-feeding young elephant seals, I find it easier to not worry about my mother’s aging or any other pressing issues.
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1. Rest in the sun makes your skin healthier. (Tara Ellison) 2. Once they are able to swallow successfully, the elephant seal patients are ready to start eating in the pool. (California Wildlife Center)
I was surprised to find that many of the other volunteers were middle-aged as well.
“There’s a common misconception that because the job is physically demanding, you have to be young to be successful,” says Henderson, who estimates that about 35 percent of active rescue and rehabilitation teams are over 45.
“It’s rewarding to know that you are important and needed beyond the needs of your family,” one of my fellow volunteers, Debra Loggia, told me. At 64, she considers herself one of CWC’s oldest volunteers, but also one of its strongest. I know exactly what she’s talking about. After six seasons of doing this work, I have a newfound confidence, a new sense of purpose, and a new sense of community.
Now, six years after my reboot, I’m in an entirely different emotional space. I’m much less dependent. By identifying my interests, expanding my community, and pursuing new work opportunities, I’ve effectively outsourced my happiness.
With the burden of expectations lifted, my relationships have flourished. I’m more passionate about what I do. I come home from volunteer days filled with stories of tube-feeding elephant seals. With more work (I’m working on a book and a screenplay), sometimes deadlines have to take priority, even when it’s not convenient. Rob has supported me throughout this process as I’ve become a much more fun person. By working through periods of lethargic loneliness and embracing my fears, this midlife crisis has blossomed into a midlife renaissance.
Not everything is perfect. I still have days when I feel lonely, depressed, and have to lower my expectations. There’s a certain melancholy about growing older that’s hard to shake off. But it doesn’t faze me anymore. I still surprise myself.
“You’re leaving me behind,” Rob said as I got ready for a quick getaway with my girlfriend.
“Just two nights,” I said. “I’ll be back soon.”
“I’m going to miss you,” he said, and I believed him.
Tara Ellison writes about relationships and the challenges and successes of midlife and is currently working on her memoir.
