I hope my husband will cha-cha-cheat me.
Dear Remy,
Earlier this year, my husband got the call that every celebrity dreams of.
No, it’s not about becoming the next James Bond, or headlining the Super Bowl, or singing with Elmo on Sesame Street.
He was asked to appear on Dancing with the Stars.
Naturally, he’s super excited about this. He’s had DWTS on his vision board for years, and is hoping it will land him some better roles. Plus, he started his career acting on cruise ships, and has often spoken about how he misses the days of wearing Lycra every day.
Surprisingly, I hope he cheats on me with his dance partner. Friends have teased me that he might elope with a beautiful co-star. Tabloids gleefully print stories suggesting that spouses of DWTS contestants should worry about whether they are staying faithful. But they will all be shocked to find out the truth.
Reason: I would be overjoyed if he started cheating. My husband relies on me for most of his social interactions. I often go out with my girlfriends, but he haunts the house like Casper the friendless ghost. I would love for someone else to let him go for a little while so I could have some precious “me time.”
So while we should hope his dance partner isn’t his type, I hope she’s blonde and lisping (he’s had a crush on Kelly Ripa for ages), and while most wives would long for their husbands to do some sexless comedy dancing, I hope for a sensual rumba soon. Skin-to-skin as much as possible. Legs everywhere.
Remy, this thought is bothering me. I never knew I wanted my husband to bother me so much. Is it time to reassess my marriage?
I’m tired of supporting my wife.
To those who are tired of supporting their wives
Your letter reveals a complex mix of emotions. On the one hand, you crave freedom and independence. On the other, you may be craving the thrill of jealousy. Jealousy is an emotion that adds spice to a relationship. Renowned relationship expert Esther Perel suggests that jealousy can sometimes be an aphrodisiac, making your partner seem more attractive. And since jealousy is a lot cheaper than oysters, it’s a win-win.
Encouraging your husband to find a hobby or sport will help him develop a more independent social life. This won’t just fill up his time, it’ll help him become more independent and socially fulfilled, which may ultimately make him more attractive to you.
What activities has he enjoyed or shown interest in in the past? Maybe start brewing beer, join a hiking group, or reconnect with old friends? The goal is to help him find joy and connection outside of your relationship, which will give you both some much-needed space. This will also improve his mental health and self-esteem, and make your time together more fulfilling.
And know that your problem isn’t unique. There’s been a lot of talk in recent years about how difficult male friendships are, and how wives and girlfriends are relied upon to fill the gap. But all is not lost. Social groups are popping up for this very reason, and your husband should look into them. Making friends as an adult may seem harder than making your first friends at school, but at least it won’t add the awkwardness and embarrassment of hand-me-down clothes that come with adolescence.
How would your relationship change if he were to become more socially independent? Does this mean you really want him to cheat on you, or do you want to find balance in your marriage and rekindle the spark?
In syncopation
Remy
Illustration by Russ Tudor
Fear, fear for my career…
Dear Remy,
Do you think it’s possible to break out of your niche?
I’m a horror screenwriter, and like many of my characters, I long to escape — but not to be locked in a coffin underground or in a serial killer’s attic, but to escape the traps I find myself trapped in.
I’ve fallen in love with the horror genre, and I’m not afraid to say I’m good at it. I’m really good at it. Think of a way to kill someone that scares them, I know I can do it better. And then add in some added icing on the cake (witnessing your death on multiple screens, or the killer plotting to steal your identity from your face, get it?). Gory, gruesome, and brooding are my specialties.
The problem is, I’m starting to frighten myself. It’s unsettling to think what it is inside me that has produced so many scenes filled with blood, phlegm and pus. I’ve written characters who are driven by evil, by the need to hurt others. And I’ve enjoyed doing it. What does that say about me?
He considered branching out into other genres, but whenever he tried to write a spec script outside his comfort zone, fear crept in. He tried to write a river adventure centered on a family of singing otters that Pixar would love, but the amphibian dynasty washed up in the bayou and was devoured, one by one, by a vengeful alligator. Then a Sondheim-esque musical about a budding romance during Prohibition slowly fell apart when the protagonist realized he was an android disguised as a human. And once he tried to write a gentle family drama, he made it to the end credits only to realize he’d made the whole thing incestuous.
I’ve been in this specialty for so long that I worry that my brain has become this way.Remy, is there any hope for me on the other side of the horrorsphere?
Sincerely,
Horror Fly
Horror Fried
It’s fascinating how our creative talents can intertwine into the webs we weave. The good news is that horror skills can enhance other genres. Have you ever considered that Sweeney Todd is essentially a serial killer musical? Or Scream is a mix of teen drama and slasher thriller. Even Paul McCartney’s Frogsong has a surreal vibe to it. My point is, don’t beat yourself up for bringing a creepy vibe with you wherever you go. Horror can exist in other genres too.
Instead of fighting your fear instinct, why not channel it into something new? Could you write a dark romantic comedy where the protagonist’s greatest fear is weakness, not vampires? How about a sci-fi blockbuster where the horror elements emphasize the unknown of space, not alien viscera? And if you’re called upon to write a children’s movie script, try again. Maybe your otter family has already been half-digested by a crocodile’s throat, but why not try writing a horror movie for kids? If Tim Burton is in your contacts, give him a call.
Perhaps trying to “reinvent” your thinking is the wrong way to go about it. Instead, think about starting over in a new genre. Once you get over that hurdle, you can start looking at horror as a spice that can add flavor to any dish. What stories could you tell with just a little sprinkling? The goal isn’t to get out of your niche, but to expand it. How can you bring a fresh twist to other genres with your unique perspective?
In a creative fusion,
Remy
My parents burst into my movies with photos
Dear Remy,
It started as an inside joke.
When I got my first mainstream role, my parents were so excited that they asked the director to do a cameo. It was an amazing feeling. They’ve always been my biggest cheerleaders, so to be able to include them in my journey was really special. They were like little kids on set. My mom would hang out with the runners, and my dad would be in the kit store all day obsessed with film equipment. To my dad, the cameramen were like superheroes.
After that, when I got my next big role, my parents assumed I’d have another cameo. My mom contacted my agent (they’d bonded over a recipe for “Marry Me Chicken” years ago), set up a shoot date, and promptly booked a lavish party for the day before. I obliged. The first time they were on set was fun, and my dad only broke one lens cap.
But Remy, I’ve had enough. They’re on the set of my movies with me all the time, and I’m worried I’ll become a Hollywood laughing stock. What if people think I’m a six-foot-tall toddler who needs mommy and daddy’s reassurance for every role? Mommy brings me cookies to help me get a good take. Dad brings me balls and bats when I need to unwind in the trailer.
Apart from that, does it limit the roles I can take on? Surely people wouldn’t want to cast me in a thriller or a tense two-person show like Here’s to You Leo Grande, with my parents in it?
I don’t want to hurt their feelings, they are wholesome, well-meaning people, but I need to find a way to gently cut them off and cut the umbilical cord, figuratively speaking.
Remy – How can I break up with my parents?
Sincerely,
Too Old to Be Adopted
Too Old to Adopt?
Ah, the sweet, suffocating embrace of parental love! It’s heartwarming and a little suffocating at the same time. But you don’t need to turn Macaulay Culkin on this just yet. Rather, it seems like it’s time for a gentle intervention.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you love them any less. Why not create a special moment to celebrate their career without being on set? Host a movie premiere and give them a VIP experience without it interfering with their work? Or involve them in planning fan events or other behind-the-scenes activities that won’t interfere with production.
Another idea is to give them a special role that doesn’t require them to be physically on set, while still appreciating their support. Could they be your “official” social media photographer, capturing moments at premieres and events? Or maybe they help run your personal blog, sharing stories and updates about your career. If they’re familiar with the Dewey Decimal Classification system, they could be your archivist, keeping track of when your name appears in print.
What would be a heartfelt conversation that conveys gratitude but also conveys the need for professional independence, highlighting how their support evolves while still seeing it as a step in your growth as an actor?
Plus, if you need cookies during a tough shoot, you can always use Postmates.
You, the untied apron spring,
Remy
***
Remy Blumenfeld is a veteran TV producer and founder of Vitality Guru, a business and career coaching company for media talent. Contact him at guru@vitality.guru.
Questions edited by Sarah Mills.
