Tara Povey writes about rejoining the Dublin dating scene after the abrupt end of a seven-year relationship, and what she learned from the experience.
In 2022, my boyfriend of seven years broke up with me over text and moved to Norway to start a new life. I never expected that.
I don’t mean to exaggerate, but it was the same emotional experience as that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when the man’s heart is ripped out.
I had just turned 34, it was my first Christmas in a new home, and I was packing my relationship up in boxes, something I never thought I’d find myself doing at that point in my life.
It seemed like everyone was getting married, having kids, and buying houses together, but that wasn’t the case. Society has a weird tendency to make you feel like an old gnome if you’re single in your 30s.
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For the next six months, all I wanted was to sleep and cry. It seems silly now, but it hurt and I’m glad I let myself feel it so I could think about the next steps I wanted to take.
It took me a while to venture out on a date again, but when I did, it was certainly an eye-opener.
When I first considered downloading the app, I heard horror stories from friends — some of their dating fails made for good stories, but others were just plain horrifying.
A friend of mine had to get restraining orders against two people she met on a dating site. Granted, she later met her husband on the app, so it’s a mixed bag.
I’d used Tinder in the past (with varying degrees of success) and was somewhat familiar with the landscape, but a lot had changed: Alternative options like Hinge, Bumble, and Feeld (for couples interested in non-monogamous relationships and more diverse forms of dating) were all new to me.
I never expected the app to be so cold and unenthusiastic. Why was there so many matches but such a terrible conversion rate to dates? Where was the excitement and genuine interest? Were Irish singles not happy to have me in their fold?!
We ended up actually going on dates: a cute hike, an awkward coffee shop meet-up, a sexy rooftop bar, and even a Bolivian karaoke night.
After all, I love dating. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I love discovering new romantic places in Ireland, like cozy wine bars* and hidden speakeasies.
But dating after a long-term relationship definitely felt different. I felt a lot more confident and assertive than I had in my 20s. On one date, I even called out a guy who kept talking about himself and never asking me any questions. It gave me confidence.
Despite having a good experience with the app, I ended up falling into a cycle of deleting and reinstalling that most app-dating users will be familiar with. I’m currently in the deleting phase.
The other day as I was contemplating whether to reinstall it, my mom sat across from me and said she had never seen me look so happy. Turns out, all it took was turning my life upside down to bring back the joy I didn’t even realize I’d been missing.
After a few months in the wilderness of Dublin’s dating scene, I’ve learned some lessons that only a relative outsider can teach.
With fewer convenient options available when it comes to dating, I think it’s important to find a way to have fun swiping left or right if you’re going to actually try to date.
Send the first message! If you want something to happen, you’ll be waiting forever if you don’t take the first step. Make an effort to be open. Don’t stick to your usual type, see who’s out there. Know what you want and be upfront about it. If something is unavoidable, say so from the start so no one wastes their time. For safety reasons, have your first date in a public place. On that note, let your friends and family know the details of who you’ll be meeting, when and where. Apps should be fun. If you start to feel like they’re toxic, delete them and focus on yourself.
If you’ve tried apps and are in the full “delete” phase like me, here are some tips to help you meet people away from your phone screen: Sometimes, nothing beats meeting people in person.
Hey You Crew organises hikes, retreats and trips for singles. Check out their Instagram account for details of your next adventure. Your Friend My Friend organises speed dating and singles events in Dublin, Galway and Limerick. You can find a full list of events on their website. – McGowan’s in Phibsborough hosts a singles night at least once a month. The first 50 guests receive a free glass of Prosecco, plus games and icebreakers. If you prefer something more traditional, try the Lisdoonvarna Match Making Festival in County Clare. It’s world famous for a reason, with so many couples successfully matched. Events take place throughout September. If all else fails, ask a trusted friend to set it up. They probably know what you need better than anyone else.
Finally, I’m no expert, but I believe love is unpredictable. I could have given up on dating, deleted all the apps, and resigned myself to the single life.
Then one day, someone suddenly appears in your life totally unexpectedly and you’re totally unprepared, and everything works out and it’s game over.
Willie Daly, a matchmaker from Lisdoonvarna, says: “The only rule in love is that there are no rules.”
* Always drink in moderation
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
