I recently went through the exhausting task of helping my father sell his family home and move into an apartment. It was entirely my father’s idea, and I admire him for taking the decision at the right time, before the age crisis forced a change. However, I cannot support the fact that he moved to an apartment in the city that was completely inappropriate for his stage in life. My father is 80 years old, but at heart he remains a “city guy” who dreams of an active city lifestyle in a place where he doesn’t belong.
He is generally in good health and is of course an adult who can make his own choices. However, I worry that he is trapped in unrealistic expectations of what the future holds as he gets older. I am his only family, so I know that I will have to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. He never speaks honestly about these topics and only jokes when I try to. Why can’t he just move to a nursing home and stop denying and being defensive about his actual status and standing as a senior citizen? There is no shame in admitting the truth and there is dignity in accepting one’s fate gracefully. Please help him understand this.
Eleanor says: That last question was asked rhetorically, but let me answer it: Why can’t he move to a nursing home? Probably because he doesn’t want to move unless he absolutely has to. I don’t think this is hard to understand.
In the near future, he may not be able to live independently. If that possibility was right in front of you, would you want to rush into it? Would you want to finish off his last years in the city, in an apartment, independent, living the way you want?
You say he has unrealistic fantasies about the future, but at the same time, he may be trying to get the most out of the present.
As you say, he will continue to get older and older, and probably less independent. I know how hard it must be to see that and care for him, but an acorn is not an oak. The fact that this life may go wrong soon does not obligate him to give it up now.
Unless there are already signs that he can’t live independently, you say he’s in good health (and since you didn’t say anything, I assume the apartment doesn’t have steep stairs, a shower in the bath, or any other hazards). His age, by itself, doesn’t mean much now. I know 90-year-olds living independently, 65-year-olds in full-time care, and 80-year-olds who have done long ocean swims and multi-day treks. It takes guts and tact to tell them they should go into a nursing home. People in their 80s and 90s don’t need to act like they’ve done it all until they actually have.
What I heard from your letter was frustration and exhaustion at how much strain it is putting on you. Selling and downsizing is a lot of work for you. If he has to move again or needs high level care, it will be another lot of work. It is natural to feel frustrated, exhausted and just plain sad about having to do this for a father who has to raise his own parents.
One response is to assume that you are the only one who can help and become frustrated that he will not change his life to ease the caregiving burden. Another response is for him to continue living the life he wants and for you two to work together so that you are not the only one supporting him. In the latter scenario, the caregiving burden may be greater, but it does not have to fall entirely on you. It can really help to ask for help, not just for your husband but for yourself too. Caregiving in older age is hard work, but there are resources available to help husbands share the work in different ways. It may also be helpful to frame this kind of conversation about help as a matter of your own peace of mind, not just for your husband’s inevitable decline.
As your father ages, adapting to change will be hard for you, but remember it’s hard for him, too. You said there’s no shame in admitting the truth, but it’s no fun, either. Few of us can calmly accept losing motor skills or memory on the road to decline and death. When that conversation comes up, it’s not going to help either of you if your father feels like he’s punching the clock while you wait.
Reader letters have been edited for length.
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