Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, or Ilyce here (anonymous!).
Dear Paydirt,
My father-in-law is a very old-fashioned man. He lost his only son in high school, and it is a family tradition to name sons after their fathers.
So he is “John VI.” He has offered to pay for the college tuition of his namesake grandson. My wife and I are gay and are expecting our first son via surrogacy. All my sisters-in-law have had boys. None of them have accepted the paternity offer. I think my wife and I should accept the paternity offer. My wife is worried it will create a rift between her and her sisters. What do you think?
-name
Dear Name,
Naming your son after his grandfather seems like a very straightforward and lovely thing to do, but I’m sure there’s a reason your wife is worried it will cause discord. Perhaps she thinks it will raise issues of favoritism between the sisters? Whatever the reason, I’d be curious to know if you’d be willing to discuss this with your sisters before going ahead. You don’t have to ask their permission to name your child, but you could let them know it’s something you’re considering. I wonder what they think (and why they didn’t just try to make the money themselves)? Giving them a chance to voice their opinions on the matter might ease any resentment.
But there’s another potential issue to consider: Do you expect your father-in-law to keep his promise? If you’re taking on your father-in-law’s name solely for the free tuition (and not for the meaning), consider the possibility that he could change his mind at any time. He may not have the money after all, or he may think it’s unfair to the other grandchildren. How would you and your wife feel if that happened? Something to think about. College is crazy expensive these days, so free tuition is a huge bonus. But you also want to make sure you’re attached to the name and the meaning that comes with it.
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Dear Paydirt,
A person I considered a good friend of 8-9 years asked my husband and I if we wanted to start a marijuana business with some other people. She and her brother were in it together. We trusted them like family. So we agreed. We sold our house and our friend happened to be a real estate agent so he put it up for us. It sold quickly. We moved over 100 miles away to be closer to where we were going to start this business.
After a few years, the business took off. They got my husband to help them with some work and paid him for the first few months, but then the payments stopped. They now owe my husband $11,000 for the work he did for them. I sent him an invoice every month for a year and never received a payment. Then we found out that they and one of their business partners (the finance guy) were in a legal battle with another group and didn’t pay back the $150,000 we invested. So our $11,000 is not a lot of money to them.
Since finding out all this, I haven’t spoken to my friend in 7 months. I feel hurt and betrayed by her. I’m constantly thinking about this whole situation and her involvement. I feel like it’s a waste of energy to hold on to these bad feelings towards her but I can’t seem to stop. I haven’t told her why I don’t talk. But her silence makes it seem to me like she’s figured it out on her own. She fits the definition of a narcissist. My question is, what can I do to forget all this?
— Betrayed by a friend
To you who have been betrayed
This is a huge betrayal, but also a lesson in being careful about who you trust before uprooting your life. If you haven’t heard from a friend in seven months, she may know there’s a problem and is avoiding you. And if she’s a true friend, or at least someone you can trust, she should have been honest with you about everything. After all, you sold their house and moved, and helped them start this business. The status of the company is unknown, but she should have been upfront about this information.
You could also take legal action. You could get a lawyer to go to small claims court, or have a lawyer send them a collection letter to see if that will get you started. A lawyer might be able to help you negotiate a settlement or a small payment plan. But be prepared to drag this out, especially if your friend has cut off contact with you, as it can be a long, tedious process.
Would you consider asking your friend for an explanation, whether or not you take legal action? It’s unlikely you’ll get your bill paid right away, but if you decide to hire a lawyer, it’s best to listen to her side of the story and give her a chance to explain. Be honest about how this has affected you. If she responds positively, you might be able to work something out before taking the next step. Even if you don’t get a dollar back, hearing from her might help you get through this situation.
I don’t know how you can trust your friend right now, and you even went so far as to say she’s a narcissist, so the friendship is probably never going to recover, but reaching out and asking for an explanation may be what you need to get closure.
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Dear Paydirt,
My husband and I are both self-employed. We make enough to live on but have no savings other than for a vacation home, regular expenses and contributions to a simplified employee pension. We have a four-year-old son.
A few years ago, when our incomes were growing considerably, we both purchased disability and life insurance. The life insurance, called 20-payment whole life insurance, was recommended to us as an investment vehicle so we could withdraw the money at retirement. The monthly payments on these policies are $1,700. Our business has not been doing well in recent months and we have no cash savings. This $1,700 seems like an amount worth reducing or cutting. Do we really need to keep these policies? The lifetime payments could total $600,000. Would I be better off investing that money elsewhere?
—Times are tough right now
Dear times are tough,
For those unfamiliar, whole life insurance is a type of life insurance that also functions as an investment vehicle. Premiums are usually high, and you pay premiums like any other life insurance, but your money also grows over time. Many personal finance experts don’t recommend whole life insurance as an investment, as fees are high and historically, the stock market has produced better returns. In other words, in most cases, your money would be better invested in a retirement account, like the Simplified Employee Pension Plan you mentioned.
I invited friends over to our beach house and they made the biggest money blunder ever. Help! My brother’s girlfriend’s preferences have become the reason for a family intervention. So many men I know keep saying the same thing about Kamala Harris. I don’t know how to respond. They all say the same annoying things about my twin daughters. I’m at a loss.
Of course, having life insurance also gives you peace of mind: if the worst happens, your family will have a large payout. While the peace of mind is nice, $1,700 per month is a lot to pay, especially when you’re already tight on cash. The problem is, it will cost you if you cancel your plan. You’ll likely have to pay fees, and you may have to pay taxes on the interest your policy earned to cash out the proceeds. That said, the extra $1,700 per month you can have in your budget might be worth it.
Before you go down that route, talk to your insurance company about your options. For example, you might be able to stop paying premiums and get a reduction in your benefits instead. Talk to your insurance company and, if possible, your financial planner. It’s always a good idea to find out if you have more options before making a big decision.
If you still want to buy life insurance, consider term life insurance, which only pays out upon your death for a set period of time. This means it’s not permanent, and if you outlive the policy term, it won’t pay out. But with this type of insurance, you’ll pay much less in premiums. For a small cost, you can have peace of mind knowing your family is taken care of.
—Christine
Classic Prudy
Please help! My adult daughter is getting married in November. I just found out she was secretly married in August. She is now angry that I invaded her privacy by looking up her marriage certificate online. I never looked and she accidentally put her ring on during a FaceTime call. She asked me if I was married and I replied that I wasn’t and thinks I should have left it alone. She still wants a “wedding” with 100 guests and expects me to pay for it.
