How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Submit it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
Three years ago, my husband of 10 years cheated on me. Our relationship was terrible. We moved overseas for his job, and I was working part-time from home and doing all the housework and childcare for our 1-year-old. I felt lonely and alone, which made me grumpy and easily irritated. His response was to distance himself from me and my son, lock himself in his office, play video games, and spend his weekends sleeping, which made me even more upset. I begged him to be present and empathetic, but for some reason he was unable or unwilling to do that to me.
A few months later he told me he had met someone at an event and wanted permission to have an open relationship. This will be purely sexual, he stressed. I was definitely not OK but he kept pushing and I gave in. In theory, I’ve never had a problem with ethical non-monogamy. It’s like skydiving or smooth jazz, which is fine for people who like that, but not for me. I read every book and blog, listened to every podcast, and tried to embrace it, but I quickly descended into the worst mental health crisis of my life. I sought medical help. He reluctantly ended the relationship. I developed feelings for the other woman and things got complicated. Her friendships overlapped with ours, so we would sometimes run into her at parties and events. I managed to keep it quiet, but it was an uncomfortable situation.
A cut up to the present. We now live in different countries. We went to couples therapy throughout the next year, and I still carry the deep wounds of those dark months. He continues to say that if I had been a better partner to him at the time, he would not have pursued an open relationship. He feels my mental health crisis was “manipulated.” He points out that he has never lied to me and that this is true and that he first obtained my consent and that this is a forced consent. claims he ended the relationship at my request, which is technically true, but he took the time to talk. that. We couldn’t talk it all out because the conversation wouldn’t go anywhere.
We have two young children who adore their father and have spent most of their lives together, moving every few years for their father’s work. I miss the kind, thoughtful and loving man I married. I don’t want to get divorced, but I’m struggling with the feeling that the marriage I thought I had is stuck in deep sadness. To make matters worse, while he was in a relationship with another woman, he was more loving and attentive to me than he had been in years. We’re both doing okay these days, and we manage to enjoy each other’s time every once in a while when we’re not exhausted from work and raising two young children, but this whole sordid story still bothers me. Masu. Every time we have sex, I can’t help but imagine him with someone else and feel disgusted. I’d like to go to therapy again, but I’ve seen several therapists but none have been particularly helpful. I want to move forward, I want to put this behind me. Ideally, we can both learn and grow from it and become better partners for each other. But I can’t seem to lose the weight of this overwhelming hurt and resentment towards him for what he has done to me. What needs to be done? What should he do?
–I’m still carrying this weight on my shoulders.
Get the latest advice on sex, parenting and money from our columnists delivered to your inbox twice a week.
Jessica Stoya: Our writers have the option of going to therapy on their own. She clearly has a lot to say and a lot to resolve. I say therapy and counseling because therapists and counselors are trained to work through the past and things that may have been traumatic.
I feel like she has the idea that if she can get him to do something unknown, she will be able to turn him back into the caring, loving man he was when they got married. In reality, as she knows, she can’t control his actions. She can set her own boundaries. She can say, “If something like this were to happen, this is what I would do.” right? “If you pursue another relationship outside of your marriage, that’s my limit. I’ll leave you.” But she didn’t let him go to therapy, or attend therapy, and his You can’t make them change their behavior. She can’t control him. I am an autonomous person.
Rich Juzwiak: Yes, I agree with that. And I want to recognize her. She writes: “He continues to say that if I had been a better partner to him at the time, he would not have pursued an open relationship. He feels that my mental health crisis was ‘manipulated’. I think these are terrible things to say to someone. What is he supposed to do? Well, in a perfect world he wouldn’t say anything like that.
What I really think is: I don’t know if this problem will be resolved without a conversation. What he “must do” is to discuss and resolve the issue. If he doesn’t do that, how can the relationship continue? And you just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing is happening. All that resentment is being stirred up. See how it manifests in their sex life. As long as these issues remain unresolved, you are only acting out a real relationship.
His actions can be seen as a kind of litmus test to see if this relationship can survive. And even if he has no interest in actually solving this problem, you have an answer because it clearly needs to be solved.
Jessica: But the answer to the question “What does he need to do?” has to come from the letter writer. What does she want him to do? What does she need and need in order for her to start trusting again and feel safe in this relationship again? How did he behave when you married him? However, you are now dealing with a different part of the man. Are you willing to tolerate major changes in behavior and respect?
Rich: And empathy. There is a lack of empathy to characterize her mental health crisis as manipulative. Your partner was in crisis, but it’s not just about you. For me that’s probably the worst thing here. That gives me minimal hope for that relationship.
Jessica: The worst part for me is that “he got my consent first,” but she rightly claims it was forced consent. One of the things that drives me up the wall the most about how basic consent is taught is this concept that everything relies on. Well, he said yes. ” Well, you pushed, you pushed, you nagged, you whined, you pressured, and you were already halfway through? That’s not clear consent, right?
Rich: No, it’s not. you’re right. From my own experience, this openness can sometimes come and go, causing people to think differently or feel different from day to day. But at least sometimes people who are resistant to the opening bring it up as something they want to do, or say, “Oh, I’ve changed my mind about that,” or “I’m interested in exploring that,” and then “You know what?” is okay, as long as the person promoting it doesn’t say it at least sometimes. I won’t do that. It’s okay to be monogamous” is a big question. The idea is to at least try to meet in the middle.
But if you can’t get that person to say, “Actually, yes, this is possible and this is what I want,” then you’re in trouble. . It doesn’t work, and clearly it doesn’t.
Jessica: It’s clearly not working. Perhaps the man has ruined his relationship with his wife, the mother of his children, and it may not be possible to repair it. At the point during sex when you have intrusive thoughts related to a difficult, hurtful, and possibly traumatic experience that your partner put you through, that, to me, is a sign that it’s very unlikely to happen. I think so. Unless it’s an incredible, genuine, thorough apology and change on the part of the other person, it’s going to be hard to recover from that. However, things won’t return to normal overnight.
Whether she stays married to him or not, it could take years to recover from such damage. And even now, 10 years later, I can still be affected by it momentarily. Given that he branded her mental health crisis as manipulative and refused to be present or empathetic, I’m not sure he’s going to do anything to help her believe in herself again. I don’t think so.
Rich: There’s another part I want to highlight that I find interesting, and that’s where she writes, From a writer’s perspective, I think this is sad.
But the most diplomatic interpretation I can read of this is that this kind of non-monogamy actually works well for him and it could be that it’s somehow what he needs. I think that’s what it means. Maybe that unleashed something inside him. And that’s not the life our writers want to live. It seems very clear to me. Again, diplomatically speaking, this seems like some kind of disagreement to me. It seems like what he needs is what she doesn’t want to give, and vice versa.
Jessica: I don’t think you can even go a little further and give. Because I think you’re right. As you and Lucy talked about during your Advice Week chat, he may not be monogamous as a person, not as a practice. Our letter writer, on the other hand, is clearly a monogamous person. She tried her best but couldn’t get any pleasure out of it. The fact that she had a mental health crisis severe enough to require medical intervention tells us that she is not that type of person.
My wife, a full-time housewife, has decided to return to work. Rather, she is turning our family upside down. Help! My sister foolishly bought a farm in order to “raise her children on the land.” Now she’s trying to drag me into the dirt. I’m very worried about what my wife is doing when she’s watching the baby. My sister-in-law asked us to adopt twins because she missed her old life. For some reason, we said yes.
Rich: It’s very helpful when you have someone who is very clear about their boundaries and who knows themselves well enough to say, “This situation that you want to be involved in isn’t right for me.” It’s a shame. Then they go through with it anyway. Forced? I’m sure. But it was also out of love from her heart. Obviously that was a factor. And as a result, she actually suffers some sort of breakdown, which she knew all along that something like that could happen. That’s exactly what she did. That’s the worst kind of revenge. The worst thing would be to be proven right. I feel sorry for her.
Jessica: I would like to add that the fact that she was able to claim that her consent was forced during this nightmare shows that she has mettle. It’s like when the skeleton of a structure survives a nuclear explosion. If she decides that it is best for her to leave that relationship and build a new life around herself, she can do so. I’m not worried about her ability to do that or navigate a split household and all the complexities that come with it. It won’t be easy, but I think she will use her head to get through it. above.
More advice from Slate
I (straight, cis male) would really like to perform oral sex on my girlfriend. The problem is, I’ve never liked the taste or smell of vulvas. I know all vulvas are different, but over the years and across several women, I’ve never liked the taste or smell of any of them. So if your partner didn’t wash or was infected, it wasn’t a one-time thing. First my current girlfriend asked me about it and I told her I didn’t really like doing it. She never talked about it again, but I can tell from the porn she watches that if I say it, she’ll like it…
