IGenerally speaking, it is not difficult to read what politicians say. You can instinctively know when they are being sincere and when they are bullshit. When push comes to shove, they are not as smart as we would like to believe. They are inherently bad actors. They only deceive themselves. You understand the form. Everyone could tell when Boris Johnson was lying. It was every time his lips moved.
However, in rare cases, it may become unreadable. When no one really knows what’s going on. Are they making a sophisticated triple bluff? Or have they become so disconnected from reality that they’ve entered a parallel universe where they don’t even know what they’re doing? The Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesday was a case in point. One for the crazy lovers.
Rishi Sunak’s attempt to embarrass Keir Starmer with a Taylor Swift giveaway seemed like a pretty high bet. After all, these were not Labor’s best times. Allow the best parts of your week to run virtual non-stories.
Conservative reporters (some of whom had attended the Wembley gig as a freebie) suspected the Prime Minister had masterminded the Vienna bomb threat by arranging a blue light trip in exchange for 10 minutes of acquaintance. I came to the conclusion that no. Time with Taylor. “I love your job.” “Who are you again?” Aux. Obviously I would have told her to take the Jubilee line of the metro like everyone else. Or take the bus. Allow her to see how ordinary people live.
Why it took Labor more than a week to accurately tell the story about Taylor Swift’s gig is anyone’s guess. And now we will never know because the opposition leader never thought to ask. Again, I seem to be the only person at Westminster who wasn’t offered a freebie. Or maybe it was me, but it didn’t really bother me that much, so I deleted the email. Three hours is a long time to stand and watch the dots move around on stage.
So was Lish! Let’s talk to the Labor Party rather than National Insurance. Mr Starmer’s recent outcry that he didn’t actually mean to have anyone believe him when he insisted NI rates would remain unchanged did not come at his best time. We now believe that everyone knew that Labor was only referring to individual contributions to NI and that it was clear that Labor was planning to increase employer contributions. It is expected that. This will definitely be communicated to the employees.
Stupid, stupid for taking Kia’s word for it. I remember the time I pointed out to a builder that the kitchen floor he had installed wasn’t level. “Oh,” he said. “You never said you wanted it to be DEAD level.” That was another couple hundred pound lesson for me.
Why Mr Starmer can’t come clean about taxes is a complete mystery. Just reverse the cuts to NI that the Conservatives made as a desperate election buy. Please let me know if you can’t reach it. We’ll all accept that. It is nothing but the truth. But all we get is third-rate deception.
But instead of answering any of those, what we got were six questions about China. What? No one could fully understand what was going on. Conservative backbenchers seemed to be in trouble. Begging was a rare and pleasant occasion. Labor MPs could not believe their luck. In a way, I was very relieved to find out that Sunak has a serious side. After all, he didn’t show much interest in international relations during his time as prime minister.
In fact, Lish is more likely! I left completely. Not only as a leader of the opposition, but fully as a politician. I don’t feel like spending a few hours preparing for my penultimate PMQ. He has already checked out. We can’t wait long until he can stretch his legs on California beaches for good. It’s a chance for someone to enjoy all the money earned for him. It’s a great piece if you can get your hands on it.
Kia looked more surprised than usual. He had to solve this problem because no one had explained to him about the relationship with China. Don’t forget to say that China was at fault without promising that you won’t do anything that will embarrass the Chinese. This is the end of diplomacy with President Xi.
“China’s activities near Taiwan do not contribute to peace and stability,” Starmer said. Not shit. This was international relations for dummies. Will he blame the Chinese for suppressing democracy in Hong Kong? Hmm. Yes, all things considered, I thought he might do that.
We all kept waiting. I’m waiting for a killer question. Sunak’s sudden interest in China is understandable. But it never came. There was even less than meets the eye.
Why did the government cancel the registration system for foreign spies? “Not yet,” Kia said curtly. He didn’t introduce policies that the Conservatives couldn’t introduce either. Both Labor and the Conservative Party have come to the conclusion that the best policy in international relations is often to do nothing.
And that was pretty much it. Keir didn’t want to waste his pre-cooked sign-off, so he shoehorned it in regardless. It has nothing to do with China or Mr Sunak’s question. Just a rant about all the failures of the Conservative Party over the past 14 years. Lish’s sad face! He didn’t know what he did to deal with all that abuse. At the end, while the rest of us were left wondering what happened, Starmer could only keep saying how shocked he was by the whole thing. Probably nothing.
And so the Conservative Party retreated into irrelevance again for another week. They feel that the enemy forces are tougher than they expected. No one really cares who the next leader of the opposition will be. The main reason is that their choices are narrowed down to KemiKaze and Honest Bob, so they’ll fail no matter what they do.
However, Kemi is still the happier of the two. And not just because Michael Fabricant publicly supported Jenrick. But it’s also because Honest Bob once again gave a gruesome speech in front of an empty crowd. Every time he opens his mouth, another of his dreams disappears. Today he didn’t even know that Thomas Tuchel had been chosen as the next England manager. Fear for the Germans in charge made him silent for a moment. Bob, the war is over for you.
Take the Read by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Shipping charges may apply.
A year at Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde, Pippa Crellard. On Tuesday 3 December, Crais, Hyde and Crellard will be broadcast live from London’s Barbican and livestreamed around the world as we look back at an unprecedented year in politics. Book your tickets here or at Guardian.Live.
