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RDo you remember the past? Wasn’t it a wonderful time? Not like now, when everything is awful and politicians are corrupt and people are angry at each other all the time. Yeah, I failed my History GCSE. How did you know that?
It’s no wonder so many men turn to women like Hannah Neeleman (aka “Ballerina Farm”). She calls herself a “trad wife,” and is a very specific type of female influencer who respects her man, takes care of her kids, and does all the other things a woman should do. It’s also big business: Neeleman has amassed nearly 17 million followers across her TikTok and Instagram accounts.
Neeleman’s profile in The Times sparked a debate about the “trad” lifestyle that’s currently causing an internet frenzy, with supporters arguing that it’s a good example of female modesty in an age of excess, and detractors pointing out that, believe it or not, we actually live in the 21st century. Look, I wasn’t lying about people being upset all the time.
In particular, people have been outraged by details of Neeleman’s lifestyle, including how she cooks all her meals from scratch and how she “gets so tired and sick that sometimes I can’t get out of bed for a week.” She also gave birth to seven of her eight children at home without painkillers; the only exception was a hospital birth with anesthesia, an experience she describes (quietly so her husband doesn’t hear) as “wonderful.”
Of course, not all so-called “trad wives” do what Neeleman does. Despite their promotion of the lifestyle, there’s nothing particularly “trad” about the way these women present themselves online. They talk at length about being “self-sufficient,” peppering their online identities with romanticized ideas of living on farms, raising animals, eating organic foods, and sewing their own clothes.
It’s a far cry from the modern kitchens and appliances, expensive ingredients, and flashy (store-bought) outfits you see in their videos. Not to mention the fact that many of them don’t live on farms, aren’t married, or do any of the other things they tout; they’re just dressing up, practically. Many of them even sell “trad” vintage-inspired products through their websites, so you, too, can make your little dream come true.
But really, that’s not the point: these women aren’t trying to give you a manual on how to live “traditionally.” They exist to fulfill a certain conservative male fantasy: that women are submissive, the environment is beautiful, and everything is easy (at least for men).
That’s why they all live like 17th-century pilgrims but dress like they came from 1950s suburban America. They use the same rhetoric that politicians like Donald Trump use when they nostalgic for the mythical and vague “good old days.” When were the good old days? What made them so good? Fill in the blank with whatever excites you. Let your imagination run wild.
When I say fantasy, I really mean fantasy. You wouldn’t believe how many sex workers, especially on Onlyfans, adopt the persona of a “traditional wife” to drive subscriptions. This is no judgement, by the way. If there’s a demand for the service and you have the means to provide it, it’s simply good business. But it certainly subverts the narrative that the lifestyle is only about traditional and conservative values. It certainly supports the idea that the lifestyle is, above all, to some degree fetishistic.
Even more troubling is the fact that, as is often the case in the modern conservative movement, the “traditional” lifestyle comes with problematic elements.
In addition to the sexism that comes with a lifestyle brand that tells women to stay in the kitchen, many Traditional Wife influencers also engage in problematic anti-LGBT+ rhetoric (disguised as family-oriented values), racism (disguised as a return to community), and bizarre conspiracy theories (disguised as completely natural and independent living.) Viewers are often encouraged to homeschool their kids, to “live off the grid,” to not vaccinate, to not trust the government, to not trust doctors, to give birth in their bedrooms, and to vote for bigots.
But even if that last part wasn’t true, it’s still dangerous to promote it. In a world where we have Andrew Tait and Donald Trump attacking women’s independence, the last thing we need is for some of those same women to stand up and say, “independence is overrated.”
Perhaps the most problematic thing about this is that there is a market for it in the first place. Men, especially young men, feel like they have lost control of their lives. They’re lonely, angry, and a little pathetic. It’s no wonder they respond so well to a movement that allows them to live in a fantasy world where they can become powerful moguls. After all, deep down, many of them know they will never be in power.
If that seems harmless, think of mass shootings committed by self-described “incels” and the surge in violence against women and girls. What happens when fantasy collides with reality is that something has to give. And that almost never happens. It breeds resentment, anger, and a whole host of other terrible, harmful things that we no longer need. Women who do become traditional wives, like Neeleman, may find that they signed up for an experience that was falsely sold to them.
If these women want to do a little role-playing to boost their fiancé numbers, that’s fine. If they actually want to live that lifestyle, that’s fine. But they should be honest about what they’re doing and acknowledge what the reality of that kind of life actually is. Live your life the way you want, but don’t lock other people into a life they don’t want.